“Eat Dirt.”

What a beautiful phrase. It’s a phrase we’ve all grown to love throughout the ages and with every passing day it becomes more and more synonymous with American culture. Many of you have probably wondered though, “where did such a poetic verse ever come from?” I am Colin Buffum, the world famous cartoonist, model, and historian. I will tell you the facts.

Eat Dirt was first introduced to the virgin ears of children everywhere back in the year 1964 when the smash hit Excite Bike 64 was first released to home systems.

Hippie children and rich children (the only types of children back in the 60s’) all used “eat dirt” to exclaim their rebellion. One reliable source on the internet describes an instance where a group of hipsters and their black friends yelled the phrase at the American flag. They were all arrested because they were communists.

“You play ball like you eat dirt!”

In the 1970’s when most Americans were too busy doing surreal drugs and writing scripts about their lives for 90s’ television the ‘eat dirt craze’ went south of American soil to a mysterious land called South America. Scientists, scientologists and my friend Phillip all agree this is due to the fact that in South America it is believed the natives actually practice eating dirt. This put a whole new spin on the phrase and is one of the many reasons the phrase remains a popular thing to say to this day.

Not only has Eat Dirt become surprisingly popular in South America, but it has also coined numerous spin-offs.

“Chew Dust” exclaims a chubby Brazilian child to his abusive mother.
“Swallow Rocks” screams a lonely Peruvian into the night sky.

Is there any chance these spin-offs will achieve as much as the glory that is Eat Dirt? No sir! At most they’ll get a few DeviantArt followers and a tweet or two. Eat Dirt will forever be the slogan for our generation.