A big topic lately on the news has been ghosts. Specifically Steve Job’s ghost. Are ghosts real? What do they want? How do you wish a ghost happy birthday? I needed to know. I decided to dig a little deeper into the subject and ask the general public their thoughts on ghosts. By asking the general public I mean asking omegle:

Question to discuss:
Do you believe in ghosts?

Stranger 1: yes,
Stranger 2: no
Stranger 1: hmmm, someone is afraid of the unseen.
Stranger 1: 🙂
Stranger 2: no
Stranger 1: yeah
Stranger 1: shutup.
Stranger 2 has disconnected

Controversy. I asked this question to roughly 200 other groups of people and I pretty much got the same results. It was clear I wasn’t going to get any real answers from the general public. I had to go to an expert. I turned to my neighborhood ghost expert, Crast Simmons, for logic and advice. Sure he knew the truth.

Alright Crast, can I call you Crast?
yes

Okay Crast, so is it true you’re a “ghost expert”?
Yeah. I fight ghosts with my bare fists. I work for a ghost-hunting organization called Destructive Invisible Creature Killers. We drive around town, busting ghosts (we’re not affiliated with the people who want to know if you call them, however).

Wow that’s impressive. Is it a busy time of year?
October is the busiest time of year thanks to Halloween, but it’s mostly fueled by paranoia from people watching scary Halloweeny movies. I saw a scary movie once; I peed myself. Most real ghosts are not that scary, actually. The worst it got is one time that a ghost kept eating all my food, but I was more scared of dying of starvation than the ghost itself. Later I found that it was actually a living cat and not a ghost.

I confuse the two all the time. Sometimes it makes things really awkward.
One time my mom thought I was a ghost. When I tried to talk her down, she realized that would mean I was dead and had a heart attack.

So Crast I want to start with the basics. The little kid baby stuff: are ghosts real?
Yes. They’re very real. I know this because one time I ate a day-old sandwich and got food poisoning. I had a dream in which ghosts became real. So yeah, they’re definitely real. Our job at the Destructive Invisible Creature Killers is to get ghosts out of houses. It’s fun. My mom also says it’s good for me to get out of my house for a change so she can watch movies that aren’t appropriate for my age group.

What do ghosts want? What do they want, Crast??
It’s a common misconception that ghosts are actually evil or demonic. That’s not true, they’re just assholes. They want to scare the literal shit out of you just for fun. They enjoy nothing more than you being scared of them. To get a ghost to leave you alone, you have to be a jerk back to it. I like to smear strawberry jam on all my countertops. No one can resist strawberry jam, but all ghosts are mildly allergic to strawberries. They’ll be like “what an asshole!” and leave.

What’s your take on the recent Steve Jobs ghost rumors?
Patently false. People have to be dead for a minimum of 729 days, 11 hours, 29 minutes, and 6 seconds before they become a ghost. Everyone learns this in the first year of Destructive Invisible Creature Killer School for Understanding Creature Killing EDucationally. So the people who say that don’t know anything about creature killing.

Thanks for clearing that up. I’m sure all those SBboard readers can rest happily now.